


Choices Made, Chances Fade

by summmernights (jeyyuum)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8785774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeyyuum/pseuds/summmernights
Summary: It feels strange, begging for something that has always been yours since the beginning.





	

**Author's Note:**

> how do u title ;A; i'm such a loser lmao

It doesn’t feel right.

“Please…”

It feels strange, begging for something that has always been yours since the beginning.

“Let me be with him, even just for a night… Please, I won’t take him away from you, just let me be with my husband…”

Dropping on his knees, Chanyeol hopes that the person in front of him would consider his plea. Park Chanyeol doesn’t beg. He isn’t _just_ somebody; he’s been referred to as the “leading light,” the young chairman has always been respected, admired, and adored by everyone who knows him—an inspiration for anyone who aspires in entering the business world; And it was belittling, to kneel before someone and almost willing to kiss the ground that they walk on just to have his cries heard. But if it was the only way, he would gladly give up anything—everything, even the name and reputation he’s been taking care of for years, just to feel his husband in his arms again.

“Please… Please… P-please…”

Chanyeol is willing to give everything up just to have a short worth of Baekhyun’s time. Even if it’s just for an hour, or a minute, it doesn’t really matter to him anymore, as long as he’s given the time to make Baekhyun feel his love for him. He just wants to tell Baekhyun that he loves him, and it’s alright if Baekhyun doesn’t say it back, or if he doesn’t feel the same way _anymore_ and he’ll _never_ say it back. It’s still okay, as long as he knows that Baekhyun knows.

“I’m—I know it’s too selfish of me b-but, I don’t—I can’t—Baekhyun… I really need him... Please, Jongdae. I’m—I’m not telling you to leave him and give him back to me, all I’m asking for is a short span of time and a fraction of his attention...”

All of them had been wrong. Chanyeol was never the leading light, he was just simply being led by the light— _his_ light; the light that once _had_ been _his_. The light he can’t _ever_ reach. The light he can’t _ever_ have _anymore_ : _Baekhyun._

“Believe me when I say I don’t have anything against you, Chanyeol, because I really don’t. You’re a great man, and I can tell that you would be a good partner, but… just not to Baekhyun.”

Jongdae’s choice of words was rather careful, as though he was concerned for Chanyeol, but it only triggered his fears. Self-blame, anxiety, and insecurity were crowding his mind, all at the same time. His mind was restless; he just wants it all to stop…

He needs Baekhyun, because he can make everything okay while Chanyeol can’t even do anything right.

He needs Baekhyun, because he can act as a pillar when Chanyeol is on the verge of falling apart.

He needs Baekhyun, simply because he is Chanyeol’s other half.

He needs his husband. His husband. _His…_

_‘…you would be a good partner, but…just not to Baekhyun.’_

The way he had spoken was calm, but his words themselves are harsh. The thought of not being able to be the husband that Baekhyun had always dreamt of keeps ringing on Chanyeol’s ears. He knows he’s the one at fault. It was him who ruined everything with his husband. He wasn’t contented with what he has that he kept searching for more, thinking that he deserves more than just that. He kept going on for temporary happiness, not realizing that he already has a lifetime worth of it in the life he’s unhesitatingly leaving behind. Chanyeol fooled around, and when it was Baekhyun’s turn to finally decide that he deserves more, only then he realized that he was only fooling himself.

It wasn’t him who deserves more; it was Baekhyun. His husband deserves more, far more than _everything_ Chanyeol could offer.

His heart was clenching and he was drowning; Why was he like this? Why can’t he satisfy Baekhyun’s needs anymore? Why wasn’t he born as perfect as Jongdae, or even more? Why can’t he do what Jongdae can? Why can’t he have what Baekhyun found in Jongdae no matter how hard he tries? Why can’t he be enough for his husband?

Baekhyun… Didn’t he make him happy back when their relationship was still solid and unyielding? Not even once? Not at all?

He couldn’t even recall the last time Baekhyun smiled _because_ of him. Was he really that worthless? Wasn’t he really worth the importance? Doesn’t he really deserve to be kept being a part of Baekhyun’s life?

It was once upon a time when Chanyeol felt like he was enough for Baekhyun.

“Yes, you want him. But you don’t need him. You can’t convince me that Baekhyun is the only thing that’s keeping you alive when you’ve been with him just to leave him for another man. I don’t want to be rude, but that’s not how it works, Chanyeol, that’s not how it works.”

He wants to tell Jongdae no, he misunderstood everything. He doesn’t want Baekhyun—he _needs_ Baekhyun, he _yearns_ for Baekhyun. Because Chanyeol was insatiable like that; every part of his body, every inch of his soul, every piece of his insanity, all of him, are begging for Baekhyun.

“I know—I know it’s so stupid of me to realize this when it’s already too late. But can you blame me? Our hearts are both owned by the same man, Jongdae, and now tell me you don’t feel this way. Tell me you won’t be doing this if you were in my shoes. Tell me you won’t beg and kneel in front of the person who he’s now in love with. Tell me you won’t be desperate like this when it involves Baekhyun. Tell me you wouldn’t feel the same pain…”

He’s just asking for a short time, not a lifetime, even if that’s what he undeniably wants. But why can’t they give it to him? Why can’t they let him be with his husband? He just wants to hug him tight, or maybe even kiss the top of his head, get on his knees and beg for his forgiveness, and tell him those words he’s been longing to tell Baekhyun. Was he really asking for too much?

“I won’t, because I wouldn’t be as stupid as you to let go of Baekhyun. I appreciate everything he does for me, and I’m doing my best to fulfill the void you’ve never been able to satisfy. Let him go, because if one of us has to, it should be you.”

He wants Baekhyun to be happy, and it hurts so much to think that his happiness _now_ lies within Jongdae’s embrace. It hurts so much because he can’t make Baekhyun happy like Jongdae can.

And yet he can’t let his husband go. He can’t let Baekhyun go. Because then, how about the future they have planned together? How about the beach house that Baekhyun designed? How about that dog they never owned? How about those children they never had? Baekhyun wants a big family, right? He’s—he _was_ never willing to be the one to give birth, but if Baekhyun doesn’t want to, then he’d gladly carry their children, because who cares about being the sexiest businessman that has ever existed when a person that’s not him is bearing _his_ husband’s child?

How could he still care about all of those when Jongdae’s bearing a child that’s supposed to be in his womb?

How could he still care when Baekhyun is expecting a child from someone who’s not him?

It all hurts too much, and Chanyeol knows he’s hopeless because the only person who can stop him from hurting is the same person who’s causing it—Baekhyun.

“Please, Chanyeol, just let him go. Because I’m not doing it.”

As Jongdae walks away, he buries his head in his hands and let his tears fall. The image of Baekhyun looking at Jongdae like he’s his everything is playing behind his closed eyes. Chanyeol’s sobs grew harder because he knows that look; It’s what he looks like in every candid photos of him and Baekhyun that their friends had randomly taken years ago. It’s also the same look they’re giving on each other in the wedding photos he always looks at. It’s the look that he’s longing to see in his husband’s eyes again whenever he’s looking at him, and it kills him because Baekhyun looks at him like he’s just a friend—a colleague—like he was never the man he once also looked at as his everything.

Baekhyun is _still_ a Park, isn’t he? Baekhyun is _still_ his; he never signed the papers that’s been disregarded and hidden underneath the pile of ignored paperwork. He _legally_ owns Baekhyun, but why can’t he get ahold of his property? Of his husband? The ring on his finger proves that the knot is still tied, but why is he begging for his husband like he’s… like he’s the paramour and not Jongdae? Why can’t he love his husband without begging for the freedom to do so?

It _is_ strange, aching for something that has always been yours since the beginning.

“P-please…”

It never felt right.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're seeing this, thank you very much for reading! :)


End file.
